Finish

What was astonishing to me is something that should be more apparent to all of us: the exercises that caused people to increase their progress dramatically were those that took the pressure off, those that did away with the crippling perfectionism that caused people to quit their goals. Whether they were trying to lose a pants size, write more content on a blog, or get a raise, the results were the same. The less that people aimed for perfect, the more productive they became. It turns out that trying harder isn’t the answer.

Unfortunately, perfectionism dies slowly. It’s persistent and particularly dangerous because it masquerades as excellence. Some readers have already felt uncomfortable with this chapter because they think the opposite of perfectionism is failure. It’s not. The opposite is finished.

While searching for real examples, from real people, I asked friends on Facebook about perfectionism. One person described it this way: “I start with the belief that I could do something. Then I get all excited and start dreaming. At first I feel confident and like I know what I am doing. Then my dreams get big. Then I want perfection. Then all of a sudden I feel inadequate to do the job because I don’t know how to do it at that level. Then the dreams die and the goal is forgotten. The best part is most of the time all that I mentioned above is mental. I never actually started anything.”

Actions: Think back to other goals you’ve attempted. Were they too big? Write down what happened. Write down a number associated with your goal. (It’s difficult to cut a feeling in half.) Will you read ten books? Declutter four rooms? Lose twenty pounds? Make five thousand dollars? Decide whether you can cut your goal in half or double the timeline. Share your goal with someone you trust and ask him if it’s too extreme. If you’re uncomfortable with cutting your goal in half, spend a few minutes answering the question “What’s the worst that could happen?”

I didn’t care that my yard was something best navigated by Dr. Livingstone, I presume. It could have been on fire and I wouldn’t have minded one bit. Why? Because I had two toddlers at the time. Kids are a crisis. They’re a beautiful crisis, but they’re a crisis nonetheless. No one tells you this because they want you to have kids, too, so that the species survives. You don’t realize it when you’re in the middle of it either. Your only goal is to crawl across the finish line of an early bedtime and live to see another day. “Dad, the sun’s still out and I can hear other kids playing.” “I don’t care, it’s bedtime.”

I’m here today to tell you that you can’t get it all done. Forget that. I’d say you can’t even get most of it done. Go ahead and pound the sand Charlton Heston–style if you must, but once you’re done mourning the myth of doing it all, let’s get practical for a minute. You only have two options right now. Attempt more than is humanly possible and fail. Choose what to bomb and succeed at a goal that matters. Perfectionism tells you to take option one. In this chapter, you’re going to learn how to take option two. It’s going to be uncomfortable at first. The neighbor who smokes in his driveway because his wife won’t let him do it inside is going to shake his head in embarrassment at your lawn.

Actions: Make a list of three things you could bomb during your goal. Use the red light, green light approach. For time drains you can’t bomb, figure out a way you could simplify them. Write down, in a secret place no one will see, three relationships you might need to pause in order to finish your goal.

finished. I didn’t bomb. I was prepared and it’s done. If you’re motivated by fear, don’t fight it as an adversary. Use it.

If you’re motivated by fear, don’t fight it as an adversary. Use it.

If you’re motivated by fear, don’t fight it as an adversary. Use it.

Doing this was also a reminder that most people are not either-or when it comes to reward and fear motivation. Fear motivates me to prepare my speeches but a reward encourages me to work hard at my writing.

OK, we’ve now exhausted our quota of weight-loss examples, but what about something boring like housework? Here’s how Stephen Nazarian, one of my readers, approaches it. “I have a never-ending ‘honey-do’ list around the house. Many of the items only take fifteen to twenty minutes (like changing some switch plates or hanging a frame). So, whenever I’m shot from the day and just want to relax in the Jacuzzi tub, I force myself to start a short task on the list and when I’m almost done I go turn on the water for the tub and let it fill while I finish. I’ve done this so much that now I can’t relax in the Jacuzzi without doing something productive first. Pavlov would be proud.”

The Truth About Fun Working hard for something we don’t care about is called stress. Working hard for something we love is called passion. —Simon Sinek Perfectionism must hate this book right now. Let’s review the three actions I’ve recommended: Cut your goal in half. Choose what you’ll bomb. Make it fun if you want it done. Easiest goal-setting book ever. Seriously, what kind of task is “Have more fun?” I’ll tell you. It’s the kind of task that statistically works. It’s the kind of task that kills perfectionism. It’s the kind of task that will propel you across the finish line. But if you really want to get there, you’ll have to give up something first. It’s time to let go of some hiding places and ignore your noble obstacles. Actions: On a scale of 1 to 10, how fun is the goal you might be working on? Decide whether you’re motivated by fear or by reward. Fun is often weird. (See balsam candle.) To flesh it out a little, finish this sentence: “This is weird, but I find ____________fun.” Pick three small points of fun you can add to your goal.

she said, “I know you’re avoiding writing when your in-box is immaculate.”

Admit that it might indeed be awesome. And then make exploring

Time for a Little Judo As anyone who has struggled with hiding places knows, one of the best ways to fall in love with a new goal is to just try to finish an old one. You are never more creative for new ideas than when you are almost done with an old one. “What’s next” will always look more interesting than “what’s now.” Please know that the minute you pick a goal and make it fun, a new goal that’s really a hiding place will pop into your head. I don’t mean eventually, I don’t mean later, I don’t mean on Day 14. I mean on Day 1. Before you’ve even left the harbor, perfectionism will have some other port calling your name. Faced with this temptation, you will do the worst possible thing, which is to try to kill it. I’ve got to focus, you will say to yourself. I’ve got to ignore it, you will shout. In a matter of minutes, you’ll be right back to your old habit of trying harder. If you’d just try harder, you wouldn’t be so distracted. Cue perfectionism. But what if that’s not a distraction but a great idea? What if that new thing that came out of seemingly nowhere is actually something you should definitely do? What if that’s the best idea you’ve ever had and it got stirred up by all your hard work? I don’t know if it is, but I know that ignoring it is the wrong approach. Fighting it is a waste of time and energy. Instead, embrace it. Admit that it might indeed be awesome. And then make exploring it a condition of finishing the goal you are working on.

In judo, you don’t try to stop an opponent’s power, you use it. You take his momentum and weight and strength. You don’t push back against a charging foe, you lean backward and allow the rush to topple your opponent unexpectedly. That’s what you should do when a distraction gets too loud. For example, I want to start a podcast. I’ve wanted to start one for a while, but I didn’t really get passionate about it until I tried to finish this book. As soon as I buckled down to writing this, you’d be surprised how attractive that podcast became. I could rattle off my future guests, list the questions I’d ask them, and discuss how I would grow the audience with the greatest of ease. Instead of feeling shame and trying to ignore that project, I placed it directly after the finish line for this book. I didn’t say never; I said later. Want to create a reward you really love? When new ideas or new goals get shiny, put them at the finish line. Don’t try to grow callous to the shiny objects; if anything, let them gleam. Let them be brighter than the noonday sun. Just make sure they point the way to the finish line. No podcast until the book is done. No other diet until you’ve finished the one you already committed to. No other small business idea until you’ve completed the original one. Line your finish line with the dream goals you’re currently using as hiding places and then watch how fast you’ll run toward it.

In judo, you don’t try to stop an opponent’s power, you use it. You take his momentum and weight and strength. You don’t push back against a charging foe, you lean backward and allow the rush to topple your opponent unexpectedly. That’s what you should do when a distraction gets too loud. For example, I want to start a podcast. I’ve wanted to start one for a while, but I didn’t really get passionate about it until I tried to finish this book. As soon as I buckled down to writing this, you’d be surprised how attractive that podcast became. I could rattle off my future guests, list the questions I’d ask them, and discuss how I would grow the audience with the greatest of ease. Instead of feeling shame and trying to ignore that project, I placed it directly after the finish line for this book. I didn’t say never; I said later. Want to create a reward you really love? When new ideas or new goals get shiny, put them at the finish line. Don’t try to grow callous to the shiny objects; if anything, let them gleam. Let them be brighter than the noonday sun. Just make sure they point the way to the finish line. No podcast until the book is done. No other diet until you’ve finished the one you already committed to. No other small business idea until you’ve completed the original one. Line your finish line with the dream goals you’re currently using as hiding places and then watch how fast you’ll run toward it.

time I cleaned our garage I found a foot-long Norwegian wharf

Writing a fantasy basketball newsletter instead of writing a business book is a hiding place. Deciding that you can’t write your book until you’ve read the top one hundred business books of all time is a noble obstacle.

The second you hear the word “until” pop into your mouth, spit it out like Brussels sprouts that have been served without bacon. You can always tell how gross a vegetable is by how much bacon has to be added to it to do all the heavy lifting.

Are you overfocusing on your kids because you’re afraid to admit your goals matter, too? Are you manicuring your in-box and hiding instead of working on your business plan? Maybe you’ve beaten your hiding places but you’ve complicated your goal. Are you tempted to learn two languages right now? Do you ever march to the false beat of a noble obstacle? Worrying about your book’s marketing plan when you haven’t even finished writing the book is a noble obstacle. Weighing grams of carbohydrates when you haven’t exercised a single minute all month is a noble obstacle. Researching the twenty-fifth competitor in your industry when you haven’t finished the LLC paperwork for your own business is a noble obstacle. Goals are simple but they are not easy. You must leave your hiding places. You have to abandon your noble obstacles. And in perhaps the strangest way to end a chapter, you better get ready to kill some birds. Actions: Ask the three questions to identify your hiding places. Share your hiding places with a friend. Give them the permission and power to tell you when they see you hiding. Start creating a list of “next goals” so that you have a home for any new ideas that come up. Find a hose, like Jason, our furniture builder. (Try to simplify your goal in one way.) Admit and eliminate any side goals that you’ve taken on. Ask a close friend what he or she thinks your noble obstacles are.

Is it a coincidence that “cuckoo” is another word for “crazy”? Probably not. These rules sound insane, and they will drive you insane if you don’t deal with them. Kill yours today. They’re doing damage to your heart. Your goal will be a whole lot easier if you’re not listening to secret rules. You’ll actually have room in your life for what we’re going to gather next. Actions: Listen for a few secret rules and write them down. (This will take longer than one sitting since you’re asking your head to Google something that might be hidden.) Write the truth next to each secret rule. To find it, ask “What does that mean” and “Who says?” Create a new rule to replace the old one. Enlist a friend

Is it a coincidence that “cuckoo” is another word for “crazy”? Probably not. These rules sound insane, and they will drive you insane if you don’t deal with them. Kill yours today. They’re doing damage to your heart. Your goal will be a whole lot easier if you’re not listening to secret rules. You’ll actually have room in your life for what we’re going to gather next. Actions: Listen for a few secret rules and write them down. (This will take longer than one sitting since you’re asking your head to Google something that might be hidden.) Write the truth next to each secret rule. To find it, ask “What does that mean” and “Who says?” Create a new rule to replace the old one. Enlist a friend to help you see when you’re living by a secret rule.

Here are twenty-three things you can keep track of: Time invested How many hours during the next 30 days will you invest in your goal? If you spend 15 minutes a day for 30 days, that adds up to 7.5 hours. That might not seem like a lot, but when was the last time you took almost a whole workday to work on something you care about? Money earned If you’ve got a business goal, it’s easy to measure revenue you’ve generated during the thirty days. Products sold Most forms of measurement can be broken down into multiple bits of information. If you’re selling a product, it’s easy to measure both the money earned and the number of units you sold. Pounds lost Is there an easier form of measurement than a scale when you’re trying to lose weight? Inches This might be slightly more difficult than tracking your pounds, but knowing how many inches you dropped can also be helpful. Garbage bags full of stuff A friend of mine who wanted to declutter her house counted the individual items she got rid of but also the number of garbage bags of stuff she donated. Books sold You never know you own too many books until you have to move and realize a book is just a brick with words. Lots of people who focus on decluttering count the number of books they sell back to the used-book store in their town. Pages or words written Speaking of books, if you want to write one, counting pages written can be a great thing to measure. Miles run I’ll do about a thousand miles this year. How do I know? Because the Nike app tracks it all for me. I’m almost at Purple Level, a completely useless but oddly satisfying digital reward. I’m already judging those lazy Blue Level losers I left in my dust. Steps There are lots of great devices on the market right now that will give you this information from the convenience of your own wrist. E-mail subscribers If you’re building any sort of online business, the number of people you have on your e-mail list will be critical. Followers on a social media platform Save for Snapchat, every social media platform makes it incredibly easy to instantly know how many followers you have. Meals made Increasing your exercise while ignoring what you eat is stupid. One of the keys to healthy living is meal planning. You could count the number of meals you made each week at home instead of going out. Money saved You know that number in your savings account? That’s a form of measurement. Debt paid off The thinness of your credit card statement is a form of measurement. If it’s being mailed to you with a binder clip and the mailman is out of breath when he delivers it, see if you can work your way down to a single staple. Dates with a spouse Jenny and I go out five times a week and spend a lot of time holding hands while watching the sunset from two different claw-footed bathtubs in a field. Not really, I just feel a bunch of shame whenever someone tells me how perfect he is at dating his spouse. Time spent with your spouse is time well invested. Keeping track of the number of dates you go on can be great. Prospects contacted Maybe your business isn’t ready to receive sales yet or you’re still in the early stages of development. No problem, just keep track of the number of prospects you contacted. Hours slept Sleep is becoming a hot topic as more people realize it’s a key to high performance. (How did this take us so long to realize?) Track it simply with an alarm clock or get more specific with a wearable device. Thank-you notes mailed Maybe you’re working on gratefulness. How many thank-you cards did you send out this month? New contacts We hate the word “networking,” but maybe part of your goal is to expand your network, not just your social media reach. How many people did you meet this month? Bad food avoided I think it can be equally interesting to track what you didn’t do. If you skipped three pieces of pizza and four sodas, write that down. You’ll have fun adding up all the calories you didn’t eat this month in one imaginary pile, like a Jabba the Hutt made of junk food. Spaceballs reference. Books read This is a fairly common goal and one that’s ridiculously easy to keep track of. How many books did you read this month? Hours of TV watched Maybe your goal is to cut back on TV. This one is simple, especially if your preferred method of watching is Netflix which you can easily measure. Those are just twenty-three examples and more than likely your unique goal has some unique forms of progress you can measure.

If I had stopped for ten minutes and asked, “How do I work best?” I would have quickly realized that I needed a commute. It doesn’t have to be a soul-crushing L.A. version, but I need at least a few minutes in the car to shake off the slumber and get in the work zone. I had fifteen years of evidence that tried to tell me that. Don’t ignore how you work best as you figure out how to finish.

Actions: Write down one to three things you can track concerning your goal. Review a goal from the past to see if you can learn anything. Find your airplane. What’s the way you work best? If you’re already in the middle of a goal, decide if you need to adjust your goal, timeline, or actions.

It’s a friend who breaks the habit loop and tells you to stop shredding. It’s a friend who tells you the thing you’ve accepted as normal isn’t normal. It’s a talk show host who makes fun of you. That last one probably won’t happen to you, but it’s what spurred comedian Chris Hardwick to change. One night, Jon Stewart made a comment about Chris on The Daily Show. Watching at home, Hardwick was crushed by the jab. He decided that night that he would quit drinking, lose weight, and get his business in order. Was it easy? Of course it wasn’t, but the point is that it started with something small from a fellow comedian and friend. We need friends during the entire goal, but they are most critical at the finish line. Go find one, and perhaps even more important, go be one. Author Josh Shipp spent his childhood bouncing around from foster home to foster home. A lot of teens would have been stuck in that experience, never able to make their way out of that hardship. Josh turned his experience into a mission to help other at-risk kids. One of his favorite sayings is, “Every kid is one caring adult away from being a success story.” I love that idea and think it’s true of kids. I also believe it’s true of adults. We don’t ever age out of needing someone to believe in us. It’s not complicated. It’s not difficult. It’s not time-consuming. Someone in your circle needs to be told to stop shredding. Unless they’re a surfer. And then you need to say the opposite of that, obviously.