Connecting With People More Easily

You can, if you try, hold the following two assumptions in your head, as untested hypotheses operating in tension:

—Everyone is my new friend who I haven’t met yet

—Everyone will immediately want to stop talking to me

Both are important. If you expect everyone to be your best friend, you bring an expectant energy to interactions that can be a little creepy, or overbearing. On the other hand, if you think it’s impossible that a stranger is your new friend, you’re not going to be as adventurous a conversationalist as you could be

If you get it right, you can put out the signal: “down for whatever, but no expectations.” This allows people to soak up as much of your attention as they want to, while also not obligating anyone to interact with you. If you get good at it, you can invest this energy into a statement as simple as “how’s it going,” which means you can comfortably begin speaking to anyone you make eye contact with

Friendship is a game of escalating trust. To deepen a friendship, it is necessary to be a little bit vulnerable

You can be vulnerable by exposing a tiny bit of your personality, or being silly, or self-deprecating just a little bit. Some small gesture that says: I’m not interested in being a flawless person, and I’m willing to risk offending you or making things awkward. And, moreover: I am going to be stupid, so it’s also okay for you to be stupid

match the tempo of someone I’m talking to—I can’t do it perfectly, but I try. If they’re quiet, meek, and deliberate, I refrain from overpowering them. If they’re fast and snappy and loud, I try to keep up. This is pretty crucial. If you stomp all over someone who’s got a slower tempo, they’ll probably shell up like a scared turtle. If you don’t match pace with someone who’s quick, they get bored

This applies to eye contact especially. I make fairly strong eye contact by default, but I’m flexible. Some people are not fond of direct eye contact, and I try to match that. Some people have Infinite Love Stare, where every conversation is an eye-gazing session, and I go along with that to the extent I can take it

when somebody serves to you, hit the ball back. Return the energy you’re given, as graciously as you can. Softly “yes and,” in the language of improv.